5 sleep tips for adults who were emotionally neglected or abused

Mark Grant MA

Another form of stress which can interfere with sleep is emotional abuse or neglect, which is often associated with attachment problems. Attachment is a psychological term describing the bond between a mother (or father) and their child. Attachment is a necessary prerequisite for healthy mental and social development. As you can imagine, attachment gives a child a sense of security and makes them more relaxed and happy. Lack of attachment, whether as a result of abuse or neglect or both, leaves a child feeling vulnerable, anxious and lonely.

Generally, there are two categories of insecure attachment. Adults can be either avoidant or anxious/ambivalent. The avoidant adult will fear closeness in a relationship and thus have a negative view of others. He or she will view others as untrustworthy or undependable, meanwhile viewing the self as “too good” for others. Relationships for this person will be perceived as a threat to the person’s sense of control and may not even seem worth engaging in.

The anxious/ambivalent adult will feel overinvolved and underappreciated. He or she is sensitive to rejection and often idealizes others. For this person, life revolves around relationships. The person will feel a preoccupation and dependence on the relationship, but see the significant other as difficult to understand. Extreme emotions, jealousy, and possessiveness are also common features. It has been postulated that approximately 50% of Americans are diagnosable with Adult Attachment Disorder (AAD). Adults with attachment disorders are more prone to sleeping disorders because they don’t have reliable access to the comfort that securely attached relationships provide.

So here are 5 tips for overcoming sleeping problems related to emotional neglect or abuse or attachment problems.

Find a sleep buddy

Sleep with someone (or some thing) you feel safe with. If you don’t have a partner consider sleeping with a pet or even a teddy bear or hugging a pillow. Just knowing that your pet dog is sleeping at the foot of the bed can give you a great sense of security. If you were badly abused you may not be able to cope with having something living beside you, a stuffed toy or a pillow may be a less anxiety provoking substitute.

Sleep somewhere you feel safe

For thousands of years, humans have sought somewhere safe and warm to sleep. While shelter is not a problem for most people these days, not every bedroom in every house is necessarily a safe space. Your sleep place should be a quiet, safe space, away from the world. It will be an area where you feel relaxed and able to switch-off. Ideally your bedroom, but maybe another room in the house. That your mind associates with ‘time-out.’

Sleep under weighted blankets

Weighted blankets are just that, heavier than normal blankets. They provide a stronger sense of being covered and protected than normal blankets and are known to reduce anxiety and improve sleep. The sensation of being under a weighted blanket is supposed to mimic the feeling of being hugged or held. A google search will reveal your nearest supplier.

Get therapy

This is probably the most important tip. Attachment problems, emotional abuse or neglect usually translates into an inner disconnection. Such persons tend to oscillate between being all in their head and all in their emotions. There is an imbalance between their thoughts and feelings and an inability to transition smoothly between thinking and feelings states. They may feel ashamed of their emotions and try not to ever appear vulnerable or needy, only to find that their emotions pop out at unexpected times. This disjointed self is a hallmark of an adult who has grown up without adequate emotional nurturing.  Find a therapist who does ‘parts work’ ego state work or IFS (Inner Family Systems). These methods will help you to recognize the child-like parts of your personality and integrate them with your adult self. This will make you more integrated and more able to develop healthy supportive relationships. You’ll also feel more relaxed and able to fall asleep.

Sleep Hygiene

Sleep Hygiene is about removing environmental obstacles to sleep. Eg; making sure you have a dark room with a comfortable mattress, the right temperature etc. Good sleep hygiene will not resolve your sleeping problems but it will at least make sure you are maximizing the conditions for sleep. See the Sleep Hygiene page for more details.